We all get angry.
It’s an important emotion and one of the strongest we’ll experience in our lives. It shows on the outside – it’s really hard to hide when you’re mad.
You might show up as the moody storm cloud. Smug. Silent. Body language in high gear. Or, you might show up as the firecracker. Exploding and hitting everyone around you with emotive sparks.
Whichever way your anger shows up as, it’s easy to get completely lost in the emotion and hurt those around you. How frequently does it happen in your relationships? If the answer is “more often than I’d like” then consider a few techniques to stop the damage to yourself and those you love.
The first thing to do is to breathe. Yup. Just breathe.
And, remove yourself from the situation for the moment if you can. Kindly say, “I need a moment, but this conversation is important to me. Can we talk after I have a little bit of time to myself?” If possible, go outside and breathe. Take a walk. Nature has a way of helping you forgive yourself for the emotion and remember the big picture.
Next, do a self-check. Bring awareness to every part of your body, starting with your head or feet.
Is each area in a state of renewed rest? If not, continue the break or do something soothing. Essential oils are great for enhancing a state of rest. Choose rose, lavender or sage. Another great tool is a good stretch. Take five seconds to stretch each part of your body. Remember to breathe.
If you think your body is ready, you can revisit the mind. Dig deep here and ask yourself what is really going on for you.
Is your anger covering up hurt? Is this something new in the relationship or have you seen this before? Are you willing to feel whatever it is that you are feeling and work through it? If not, take the time you need to get spacious.
If you can answer yes to the above questions than you may be ready to and ask to talk to your partner/friend/relative. Make sure that the time works for them. If they are very busy, ask them when they have time to talk. Creating space that works for both of you will reduce the stress of the conversation.
Try to explain how the situation or action hurt you and what it meant to you beyond the surface level.
It’s highly likely that they had no idea how you were hurt at all, or the depth that you felt pain. Sometimes it helps to write these things down ahead of time so you are very clear on what you are saying.
Listen to their side and really take in what they are saying. Offer solutions to the problem and consider what you could have done differently as well. Commit to making changes and ask that they do the same. (“When I come home and the dishes aren’t done after a long day of work on your day off, it really stresses me out. Can we come up with a schedule that works for both of us?”)
Afterwards, if the conversation went well, reward yourselves for your teamwork and compromise.
Go get ice cream! Enjoy intimacy! Take a walk! Anything you both enjoy that brings you back together. Don’t stop at the last step of talking. Really honor yourselves for taking the time to care for yourself, asking for what you need, and compromising with each other. With time, building these good habits will enhance your relationships, reduce the yelling, and reward yourselves with constructive problem solving.
If you think you might need more help with your relationship, then HoloBeing is here for you.
Many of our therapists specialize in relationship issues and are open and ready to help you in your healing process. HoloBeing was founded upon the principle of whole health. Happy relationships are a valuable gem in this life and if you are looking for assistance in making yours a happy one, contact us today for help with finding the perfect therapist match for you.